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Anon is forever alone (slrpnk.net)
submitted 1 year ago by to c/greentext@sh.itjust.works
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[–] 72 points 1 year ago (10 children)

So that only leaves online dating and I’m not a 10/10 so never get a match.

Bullshit. That's just toxic internet culture talking. You may have to put some effort in your profile, but it worked for me and I'm a 6 at best.

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  • [–] 20 points 1 year ago (6 children)

    Been doing it for a few months now and no matches. Rejected 4 times in real life. Also, because of other preconditions my capacity for social interaction is very limited.

    I hate when people say "just put in some effort". I'm doing it, I'm giving it all I have but I did so for about 10 years now and I got nothing. I don't hate the people that rejected me but this can't be normal, and I'm not the only one.

    I'm happy for people where it works out but I feel immense pain knowing I'm back to square one for the 4th time. And let's not kid ourselves, 10 years going by doesn't exactly make me more attractive.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (4 children)

    Are you liking lots of people on these apps or are you very selective about how you give out likes? If you’re not very selective you’re probably being flagged as a bot and it’s putting your profile at the bottom of the stack of profiles.

    Are you using friend finding apps as well? I found that on those, the expectations are way more normal. If the goal is just to meet someone cool and then there could be a relationship after then that already lowers those guardrails that the dating apps cause, from my experience.

    I highly recommend changing your approach if what you are currently doing is not working. I recommend joining a running or biking group local to meet people, or even looking for speed dating events in your city.

    I guarantee there are people out there that would match your tempo perfectly. The caveat is putting yourself in spaces to meet these potential matches. Do you read, have any pets, or have any fun hobbies a potential partner would find attractive? If you do have any of these things, then mentioning it in your profiles and such can matter.

    Someone I know, that I was strongly convinced was going to marry a body pillow, is married to a woman he has dated for a few years now. I firmly believe that there is hope for anyone to find a perfect partner. The crux is that you might have to change what you are doing to encounter some of these people.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    I am constantly changing what I'm doing. I have been more selective and less selective over time. I have switched to a different dating app. Now there's more people, but still no matches. I even got a friend helping me match people just so I am not too picky or anything. He also looked through my profile and said it's fine. I am quite nerdy but every now and again I end up in random places trying out new things. Because of my preconditions I really can't do this as much as I would like because otherwise I would go insane, so unfortunately that's something I cannot change. Don't get me wrong I will still try because giving up would suck even more but at this point I'm also starting to fight loneliness and depression again, which tbh was just a matter of time because of these things. I did therapy, I tried to grow and change, I did all of it. In fact, my self-optimization can at times be an issue in itself, which I have been trying to fix for the past 2 years, and I am aware of the irony.

    What I'm saying is, if this is the way to find a partner, I might die before getting there, one way or another, and it's incredibly frustrating when you never know what or when you're doing things right or wrong.

    I also realize that I'm sounding like an incel, but the truth is I effectively am. I definitely don't wanna become old and bitter but everything is signalling me to give up.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

    That’s good that you are trying different things out, you really want to be casting a wide net to find your perfect matches. I’m of the belief that there’s probably only about ~5%-10% of the population that’s we are a perfect match for and vice versa, but that’s still a ton of real people and many of them may not be on dating apps.

    I’ve been coaching a friend of mine that has had similar answers as you. He tried a different app and his match rate was still close to zero, if not zero. Oddly when he turned one year older his match rate went up a lot, so maybe there was a decent amount of women he was attracted to that wanted someone a bit older and more mature.

    That’s good that you have had a friend look over your profile. I feel that dating profiles specifically are a bit clickbait-ish. Having some good quality photos couldn’t hurt your chances to having a conversation, do you have any pictures that show you socializing with peers and other women? I would encourage you to ask any women that are friends SOs or family to help give another look over your pictures and even your bio.

    What I liked about some of the friend finding apps I mentioned is you could reach out without having to match with anyone. I was shocked at how many more conversations I was having with even people less than 5-10 minutes away from me.

    That’s totally understandable to be limiting the amount of events for your own health. Being able to have fun while going out is an important part of it.

    It’s okay to focus on yourself a bit more as well. I feel that dating comes second to your mental health. It’s important to show yourself some love to be able to share that same love with others. Growth and change don’t have to be linear, each step you take is worth the effort even if you feel like it’s been up and down. Self-optimizing feels like it should be helpful, until those shortcuts start hurting, as I’ve been sorely learning lol.

    I recommend taking breaks from looking whenever you’re feeling burnt out, for your own sake. Sometimes it can be where you are that is impacting your outlooks. For instance if you’re trying to meet up with nerdy women in an area that isn’t very nerd friendly then there can be less nerdy women around your local area, at least on some of the apps.

    I feel like so much of it really is about time and place being the main factors for finding your match. The owners of the dating apps want you to be on their dating apps as long as possible because they profit from it. Men and women get sick of these platform and pay for the pro-features that put their profile at the top of the stack for others to view. Many issues with modern dating is caused by these for-profit dating apps.

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  • [–] 9 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    Dating sites have the data on this. Women on dating apps rate 80% of men below average. Men rate 50% of women below average. It's not just a talking point.

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  • [–] 5 points 1 year ago

    That is true, but being rated below average does not make it impossible to find a partner. Just more difficult. On the other hand, when being rated below average you will get less matches, but from what I hear the matches you do get are less superficial.

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