Would be awful if they turned out to be transfem too

true, i mean who sends a text these days ? very cringe.

Good ol' flork

No punchline, just steadily increasing uncomfortableness.

Must be a "Boy Named Sue" situation. Poor Super Penis Man, has to go through life with the assumption that they have a super penis

Since they are no longer sold AFAIK, and there are too many people lacking astrojax:

The original idea for astrojax was developed when the physics student tied nuts to each end of a string, then strung one nut loose on the string between them. There is nothing stopping you from doing this. It's the same sort of fun, just slightly less padded than the foam astrojax. If you change the number of nuts strung in the middle to two, you can put a little duct tape around them to make a heavier middle weight, and can also change the number of nuts at the ends by tying them together at the end. Rather than having a but on both ends, you can attach a keyring to one end and have a yoyo loop to work with for greater grip security.

I know the feeling. I also end up taking all the hoes in the club when I mention that I use lemmy.

Now introducing Begleri: pocket astrojax!

So, you know, this year, do 2026 Santa a solid, lay out a fresh cooked steak, a side of mashed potatoes, some hot buttered rolls, and something other than milk and cookies.

I have a mental fan-fiction that the new Santa gets selected on December 25th every year.

He gets every single tiny little wish he could ever possibly want granted until Christmas Eve of the following year.

The elves don't tell him what's actually going to happen though.

It's gotten exponentially worse in the last 50 or 60 years, but for the longest time, it has been simply impossible for any human being to circumnavigate the globe to every single house of every single good kid and deliver presents in a single night.

So what are the elves to do?

After the first Santa died from overwork, the elves created a great ritual.

Each year they select a new Santa. They fatten him for the slaughter.

And at the stroke of midnight Grenwich meantime every single year, the new Santa is frozen in time.

He will feel no heat nor cold. He will feel no pain. He is trapped in an eternal and timeless void until he finishes his great task.

He has no flying reindeer.

He has no magic sleigh.

He has his own hard work, and an infinite amount of time with no human interaction, and his only escape is to deliver the last present for every single kid that lives in Greenwich meantime.

After this, he is released for one hour, and then he must repeat this task for every single time zone.

He will crawl back and forth across the earth hundreds of thousands if not millions of times in a single night.

And when he is done, he will quite literally be insane.

After this, they set him up on top of somebody's house and Santa Clause him, and the ritual starts again.

This is how the elves satisfy their pact of immortality to the ancient dark ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gdV0aHS02A

Homie just painted a bullseye on ol St. Nick.

Santa is Highlander confirmed. The Immortal uses their wish every year to give toys!

The downside is that everyone wants to kill you

The other days of the year santa is just a personal butler-slave to the elves.

He can’t refuse or he will be replaced according to the traditions.

The elves set him up. How do you think they stay so spritely and magical?

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

“Whats the downside?”

The last santa asked the same thing when they started last year.!

In old age and young it is possible to:

Be fed entirely from a bottle

Shit your diaper

Have a strong person push the soft spot in the middle of your forehead into your brain

Drink your milk kids!

Nah, dude was just so old his head had the consistency of a rotting watermelon.

blow dart enters and exits cleanly through the skull. dude's got one hell of a diaphragm

The same body pillow or the same act?

You're wonderful, Flork