"I'm a sane human being"

Not a great start.

my expectancy of safety from any crypto exchange point is zero

Honestly, I'm skeptical of using dedicated crypto exchanges too. I have somewhere between 15 and 20 percent of my portfolio in crypto, but through a regular brokerages that deal in standard securities like stocks, bonds, and mutual funds. If I had all of my wealth in it, I'd have it all stored in a cold wallet on external media, but even that isn't 100% foolproof.

There have been several incidents with crypto exchanges, yes. That said, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of major corporations in the US have had significant publicly infamous security breaches within the last decade, so it seems illogical to pretend as if security breaches are somehow unique to the crypto industry.

People who use crypto are not insane.