So this is a weird one, I'll just say what I did then provide a list of symptoms. I updated the bios on my 'Gigabyte B850 AORUS ELITE WIFI7' motherboard from vF2 to VF12b; I did this by formatting a USB to FAT32, plugging it into the bios designated USB port, turning off the PC, waiting 30 seconds, then pressing the flash button and not touching it until it finished doing its thing and booted up of its own accord.

The results:

• The card powers on.
• The PC still posts and otherwise works, notable because my screen is plugged directly into the GPU.
• 'Linux Mint 22.3 - Cinnamon 64-bit' system information can detect the GPU.
• Other Linux Applets can not detect the GPU.
• The motherboards BIOS somehow does not seem to detect the GPU.
• No software, neither productivity applications nor games, can detect the GPU.

Solution
Disabling secure boot fixed it.