You’ll remember him. You’ll remember what it felt like and smelled like to bury your nose in his soft little belly risking life and limb amongst those murder mittens to take a deep warm breath. You’ll remember all those things. With time you’ll think of it less frequently and it’ll bring less sorrow when you do. The memories will still be inside you, he will still be with you. Something will remind you of him in a few weeks’ time and it’ll hit you like a ton of bricks. The same memory in a year will be more gentle and joyful. It hurts so much because you love him so much. That love won’t go away. Your grief now will become gratitude and fondness in time. You honor him now by feeling and acknowledging the pain. Don’t allow yourself or anyone else to minimise it because we’re not talking about a human. He was walking around on four legs carrying a big chunk of your soul. That loss is as real and devastating as any other. It’s not brave to be stoic and push it down. It’s brave to own it, and feel it which is what you’re doing. He was very lucky to have you as his human, and vice versa.

With time and healing, you may find that you feel the need put all that love somewhere. Know that if you do, no matter how soon, or how far from now, you’re not undermining his importance in your life. It’s ok to find another lil soul who needs that love and will thrive in it, and give it back ten-fold, just like beautiful Alistair.

It sounds like you have a beautiful group of friends around you. That doesn’t happen without being the kind of person who attracts them. By all counts you’re a good person, let them be your crutches while you’re finding your feet again. You’d do the same for them.

Much love friend.

They never truly go away, they stay with us even after decades, we just miss them so much.