User one tweets: "Voluntary hierarchies are not a thing." User two replies: "What about femdom?" User one replies: "fuck I don't have a rebuttal"
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[–] 1 point 1 year ago (16 children)

You're not wrong, and I agree that there's value in distinguishing between those ideas. I've just been around a lot of kinky people who insist there's no difference in the words, so maybe there's a language shift going on.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (15 children)

    @SweetCitrusBuzz@beehaw.org

    You know what, I don't think I knew the distiction before. I was just making a drive-by "lol" type of offhand comment.

    Never thought about it that specifically. I will try to be conscious of word choice now.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago* (14 children)

    Thank you fellow demiromantic.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (13 children)

    There are dozens of us.

    Recently I'm thinking I may be demisexual too. Kinda like a double-demi/ace hybrid. I like the idea of sex, but it would have to be a very special person. But I don't have much drive to try for it, it's just not that important to me. I mean we're already in the ace spectrum anyway, so maybe that's redundant.

    Still trying to nail down what labels I'm comfortable with. Probably will always be a little wiggle room to change as time goes by.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (12 children)

    Yeah, we're demi in many ways, including demisexual. After much experience with this kind of thing we learned that rushing in to things, even with a desire for things do things doesn't work for us, and really knowing a person is important, so we won't do anything sexual or romantic with someone until we have gotten to know them quite well.

    Sadly too many people expect it or cannot be bothered to wait around, which is why most of our current partners are all some flavour of ace and maybe aro, heh.

    It's also why dating apps etc don't really work for us as we're too cautious and want to get to know someone before meeting up, but most people are like "let's meet up right now" and we aren't into that. We had someone reject us once because we spent 'too long' thinking about if we wanted to meet them, ugh when they hadn't really put any effort in to get to know us and we had put clearly in our profile that we need a lot of talking to in the app first.

    Sigh, mainstream dating culture is awful. We would rather just date friends.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (11 children)

    Not exactly sure who "we" is exactly, but I'm proceeding with the assumption you meant it collectively for demis.

    That describes me pretty well. I've never even come close to a dating app, but I thought it was a leftover legacy boomer trait of mine at the time ("the time" in this case meaning before I knew I was demi. Before I knew that was a thing. Also before I realized I wasn't "normal" at all).

    I just felt that that kinda communication couldn't possibly be accomplished via what was basically just texting, or at least not to my satisfaction. I've always felt much more ability to fall in love via traditional (aka in person) means. But that ability has a lot more stipulations on it than I realized at the time.

    I actually didn't know or identify as such until this year. As I started seeing posts about pride coming up, I wondered about the (what I now know is called) inclusivity flags (with and without intersex). I was familiar with most of the main flags, but kept seeing more I didn't even know about, and finally came across the demi flags. So since I was already learning about other identities and orientations, I read about that, and my spidey sense tingled.

    I don't know if there's a demi version of the idea, but a trans would call it an egg cracking. I actually don't know if any others have a version of it, but I really think so if them should. Either way, you know what I mean. I'm rambling now anyway lol.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago* (10 children)

    Not sure who "we" is exactly

    This is easy to figure out by looking in our profile 🙂.

    Yeah it took us a while to figure out we were demi but when we did it was really obvious looking back at our life.

    Egg cracking can refer to more than just being trans, so if it works for you then go for it!

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (9 children)

    I've only heard it used for them. I guess I just assumed it was theirs lol.

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  • [–] 0 points 1 year ago (8 children)

    No, it's not ours, gay people etc have used it too.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (7 children)

    Fair enough. I've only really had much discussion about a lot of this stuff with a trans sibling. I've learned a lot from him. His coming out was one of the last big (sorry to use the word again but I've been using this metaphor already) cracks in the glass dome or sphere or snow globe or whatever in the ceiling of my old beliefs before it shattered, allowing me to become atheist, liberal/leftist, queer-friendly, you know, just a much better person overall.

    So I heard it first from him and haven't really discussed it (aka egg cracking) in any other context.

    So now I have another phrase for it at my disposal.

    In other news, after looking at the profile I both understand more and have more questions.

    And given the request to ask instead of assume, I would like to do so.

    First, from what I can gather the use of we seems to come from identifying with a group that identifies as a community.

    So first question is, is that correct, and if so what community/communities?

    Scratch that, the previous app I was using didn't show the word plural as a link, and now that I'm trying another one I see it. Nvm

    And secondly, I definitely gotta ask about what you mean about the not human thing.

    You can roll your eyes at me and leave me on read if you want though lol. No pressure.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (6 children)

    Glad we could help and glad you have a good borther who helped you 🙂.

    If you want to know more about plurality we have more links should that help.

    Oh, well, you know how there's transgender, well some people also identify as other things too like otherkin, alterhuman/alterbeing, therian, or transspecies.

    For a long time we have not felt comfortable with the label "human", just like being transgender and being misgendered, being misspecied causes us a lot of dysphoria. We have quite a few friends offline and online like this too, so it's not just us, and it isn't mental illness that causes it (though even if it were it would still be valid/legitimate). It's just merely we don't feel much connection with humanity as a thing we are and are absolutely working towards both transgender and transspecies transition.

    Despite what the slippery slopers will tell you, it's not dangerous and doesn't harm anyone, indeed there's been many who have come before who have purused such things, and it has a long history, we aren't a danger to ourselves or others as long as we're respected for who and what we are then we're fine.

    Sadly a lot of lemmy cannot fathom anything outside of their worldview and has a baseline that says everyone is human and a singlet, so it's challenging sometimes, but we are what we are, their disapproval, cruetly, and mocking doesn't stop that.

    Hope that helps!

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (5 children)

    See now I'm imagining if I read that 10 years ago and how I would have interpreted (much less felt) differently, versus how I read this now.

    I had heard of some of those communities before, but only vaguely referenced. Haven't really heard much about it, but at the time I was hearing about it I still hated gay people, so did I know about people identifying as other species? I didn't understand the phrase "identify as".

    So I am still playing catch up on stuff.

    Now that that makes more sense, I need to go back. For being multiple entities, is it like, I don't have the vocabulary for this so pardon the expression, is it like vessels commandeered by multiple observers, or more like a multiple personality thing, or what? I feel that sounds bad but I don't know how else to phrase it. I'm not trying to call it a medical diagnosis, I'm just curious about it.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (4 children)

    Yeah, sadly people often need time. But it's annoying they need it at our (us and people like us) expense.

    It can be either, however, for us it's like different entities who start controlling the body, thinking the thoughts etc, we all have our own dislikes, like etc, so we're definitely different . Sometimes one of us will be fronting and another will pop up and start talking to the other. Sometimes, we co-front where more than one of us is controlling the body or one is and the other is in the background observing and we can hear them but they don't have control of the body.

    Does that make sense?

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (3 children)

    I see. So it sounds like a much friendlier, more cooperative version of the guy in the movie Split.

    Except for them being humans and at least a few of them being psychotic. At least I assume you're not.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

    Word of advice: Please don't look to media for what it's like to be plural, the only one (we have seen) that came close was Moon Knight and even that was bad at the end. Most media about it is incorrect in that it paints us as dangerous killers etc. We're not, most people who are neurodivergent, including us are more likely to get hurt than to hurt others, indeed, a lot of the time plurality and some other neurodivergencies come from trauma, not always, but they do a lot of the time.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago (1 child)

    That's what I was trying to get at in the previous comment. I don't have much else to relate it to. It's hard to speak about it without referring to the only examples I know of.

    And lacking any other vocabulary, I feel like I'm stuck in the Darmok episode of Next Generation in terms of that topic. Not sure how familiar you are with Star Trek to know if this makes sense to you. (The short version is speaking in historical metaphor due to a lack in language. Great episode tho, one of my favorites.)

    Which is again using a media example, I guess, but for my own situation this time lol. Hope I didn't offend. I'm not trying to imply they're similar, I just don't know another way to say it so I'm using the language I have to get as close as I can relative to my current understanding. Definitely not trying to attach everything else about the examples I use, but just the individual ideas.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago*

    We aren't offended, just warning you off media that'll give you the wrong impression, that's all.

    Yeah, we like Star Trek a lot and are well aware of that species/culture from Lower Decks, they talk in memes basically, right?

    It's okay, you can relax, we're not out to get you. We have enjoyed this conversation so far 🙂. If we don't understand something we'll ask or clarify. Please talk in ways you understand until you can understand more.

    Oh, that reminds us: https://pluralpedia.org/ hope that helps!

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