Oh wow! Unexpectedly wholesome response. I am so happy for you and wish you the best :)

I would actually say that I do have dysphoria. I have been increasingly angry at my testicles for about half a year now. Every time I'm moving about in the city and get do something aggressive before calming down just 10 to 15 seconds later, I feel like "give me some scissors, damnit. I hate this!"

And then, every time I try to find a bottle of ketchup from the fridge and need to ask someone female for help because testosterone makes it impossible finding objects even if they are directly on the level of my eyes.

Plus, this week has been a wild ride regarding this. I'm getting all kinds of phantom sensory information about a body shape slightly differing from what I'm used to.

I do need to read more about this before I take any e, but in my specific case the recommendation was very welcome because I know how to Interpret critically. I guess they did manage to read a lot between the lines if the experience gas been very similar. But it's very good to keep in mind that evetually thia conversation will be read by some other person with another background that might interpret my original text with different assumptions.

The suggestion is in a healthy consideration, and I'm very thankful it was made. It sped up my thought process by some days, and at my work it has been useful that I've made some surprisingly quick progress figuring out what is going on.

TBH, I am not sure about suggesting "trying estrogen" to someone who has explicitly stated a lack of dysphoria.

If OP feels happy and complete by presenting in a GNC manner, then they don't need to do anything else.

I get that you're coming from a place of support and empathy (and hear you about your experiences with denial), but I don't think you should assume OP's feelings and experiences match yours.

There is. But this isn't easy at all. I'm trying to explore my mind to build an understanding of how I'll be at my happiest.

I can currently say for absolutely sure that I need to get rid of my maleness. And I have often, for years, been envious to women for a lot of things they have in their lives. And if I imagine myself having female bodily features, that makes me feel all fluffy inside.

But at the same time, I have no good connection to what it would mean to live as a woman. At the moment I'd definitely want to want to be a woman also in my mind. But, all this caught me completely off guard, so it's hard to be sure about anything. But, there's plenty of time. I do need to urgently get rid of my maleness, and maybe (probably?) during the next couple of years a female identity will indeed grow into me and then I can continue that way. But that part must wait until my identity catches on. Now I've lost my previous gender identity, and sculpting a new one takes time.

What's awesome is that while my mother was pregnant, she was sure that she's about get a daughter. And she gave her daughter a name. And then, when I was born, she got caught a bit off guard. Not in the sense that she would have been disappointed, but she had had such a strong hunch about her child's gender that she assumed sonething was telling her a fact.

So, when I was born and she noticed I have a penis, she had to think of a new name. And that's what's always been written on my documents. But, if I ever grow to truly feel like a woman, I have a name I can revert to! I'm hoping I'll find use for it. In the meantime I'm going to be something in-between.

I used to be something between male and non-binary. Now I'm something between a woman and non-binary.

And yes, you're right: there's a lot of joy in that! And it's good to get reassurance that there will be more. My intuition says there will be, but part of me tries to argue against that.

Congratulations on looking closer at the hard questions we face and coming out the other side with a more fluid understanding of yourself. There's more joy ahead, I promise.

That is entirely possible. But it's a hassle I would really prefer not having to go through. I'm feeling a bit lazy about this 😛

If I could just wholesale get a cis woman's body, I would absolutely swap, that's actually quite clear.

But I am not really sure that having the body of a trans woman would really be of any more use to me than my current body is. Or, in better words: I am completely unaware of how it could be useful for me. And I believe I might feel... incomplete?

But yeah, it's true that this is something I must be ready accept if that anvil ever falls. I trust it will fall if it must.

Good advice, anyway. I'll discuss it with my friends soon, among all the other stupidly confusing (and empowering) stuff. Estrogen sounds... Weird.

Need more data.

And, if anybody recognizes something about my psyche that I am not recognizing, do shoot out!

the only thing I would say is that it's very common for binary trans women to experience a huge amount of denial which can make it very hard to feel gender euphoria and to recognize gender dysphoria as gender dysphoria; I think for this reason it's also not uncommon for us to take a long time to figure out we are women, and that path often includes years identifying as non-binary, agender, gender fluid, etc. - and it's very common for binary trans women to feel indifference or numbness about their gender. I think the reason for this is mostly the fear around social and medical transition. Your story sounds pretty much exactly like mine: I myself spent years as a man who just wanted to undo the male socialization (including years in therapy with the explicit goal of undoing my maleness), and also spent years identifying as non-binary and disclaiming gendered pronouns. That was before I finally ran across some trans resources and realized my experiences were entirely compatible (and in fact stereotypically common) with being a binary trans woman.

Typical next steps include: 1. education, 2. trying out estrogen, 3. getting into therapy with a gender-informed therapist (particularly one who has lots of experience helping trans patients).

The right dose and route of administration of estrogen is low risk, can be very clarifying for people in denial, and can dramatically improve mental health, so I think it should be an early step rather than a later step. The permanent effects don't even start until after 3 months.

I can send a list of resources for the education step if you're interested.

But that's all I could think of - just be open to possibility as you explore and learn more.

EDIT:

Read any trans related educational material you feel might be useful, but here's a starting list:

• Gender Dysphoria Bible
• Whipping Girl by Julia Serano (and Sexed Up as well)
• Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet
• “What Does the Scholarly Research Say about the Effect of Gender Transition on Transgender Well-Being?”
• An Introduction to Hormone Therapy for Transfeminine People

You might also find helpful this longer list of resources.

I've also put together some tips on how to help with dysphoria you might find useful.

sup